For many people accepting the need of a therapy it´s not easy for various reasons:
- Resistance to recognize psychological problems
- Having prejudices towards psychologists
- Fear of dependecy on another individual
- Being ashamed of their inner world to a stranger.
I’ll devote this writing to the last mentioned reason.
Shame is such a difficult feeling to tolerate and recognize that paradoxically could be said that it is shameful to accpet feeling shame.
Tomkins (1963) defines shame as an “emotion that is felt as an inner torment, as
a disease of the soul. It doesn´t matter whether the humiliated has been
embarrassed by mocking laughter or by making fun of himself. In any case, he feels
naked, defeated, alienated, without dignity or worth”.
I define shame as a distressful sensation for feeling exposed in front of others. This
feeling is the expression of believing that others look at us in a very critical way, for
something we have done that we consider embarrassing, or for a personal or physical trait we consider disgusting. The ashamed person perceives himself as an
“inadequate person”. This negative label implies a psychological representation of
being a defective person which reflects a very low self esteem.
The typical physical signal of shame is the flushed face: the person feels “in evidence”, i.e, that something “wrong” has been done and his failure is exposed to the judgemental gaze of the others.
Shame is a universal emotion that emerged as part of our evolution as human species. In many people this emotion turns out to be a character trait. This trait traces its origins in the articulation of a shy temperament and the influence of the nurturing environment. In this sense, it plays a key role the identification with a parental figure who is inhibited or withdrawn, or having been raised by very critical parents.
The person who feels shame is always waiting to be criticized, to be censored and
to be disqualified. Thus, the other´s look generates in him the sensation of being
totally “tied”. He can´t stand or hold another´s gaze and feels the need to escape.
Another reason to feel shame is regarded to some types of traumatic experiences
that it´s very hard to share. Especifically being a victim of physical or sexual abuse.
The traumatized person feels so uncomfortable, so disturbed to reveal those
traumatic memories not only because they suppose that other people won’t believe
them what they have suffered, but because they feel guilty of having been involved in such a violent relationship. They fear the other will judge them severely hinting that the victim is “responsible” for accepting the violence the victimizer inflicted upon them.
In his inner world, secretely, the ashamed persons wish to live new experiences, to
share their feelings, to express: “I am here”, but fear to feel ridiculous.
Shame is a feeling –that sometimes becomes a trait– that is crossed by different personality dimensions, subjective experiences, emotions, thinking patterns
and cultural factors.
The best way to deal and overcome shame –as a lasting difficulty– is doing a
psychotherapy.
Creating a solid therapeutic relationship with the patient is the key healing factor. As clinicians we must generate confidence on us by treating the patient with respect, sensitivity, dedication, deep understanding and warmth. Therefore, little by little and progressively, the patient will be willing to explore the unconscious feelings and thoughts, the repressed memories and patterns of interaction that lay behind the experience of shame. Being understood and having achieved more freedom of speech in the sessions removes fears of exposing in the outside world.
If the patient learns to show himself authentically in front of the therapist, one
day he will do the same in the outside world. And how is this achieved?. With our
constant supporting and provision of tools and resources of how to face different
social situations and how to deal with new experiences.
And eventually shame will be replaced by the joy of living with greater freedom and
fullness.
1 Tomkins, S. (1962-3). Affect, Imagery, Consciousness. New York, Springer.
